I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
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Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
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I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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