I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
