Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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