I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
