It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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