I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
