Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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