i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
