I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
