you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
