I can text with my tongue
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
