i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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