i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He passed out mid-signature
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
