Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
