your room smells of hookers.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself