Im at strip club and am horny
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person