She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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