I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
