I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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