took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
