I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
