I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
