I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
