Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
