The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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