So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
