I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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