I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
