he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
