Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I wish life had little blips of pornography
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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