Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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