shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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