I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
