Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
im on a boat
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