I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
