Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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