a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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