She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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