They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
