i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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