Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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