I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
