Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
