I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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