Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
