Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours