The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays