In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
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he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
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Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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