Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
