I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
