Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
