I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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