i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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