"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
