I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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