I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
