I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
