Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
