Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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