Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
