She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Please don't give away my fajitas
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