I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Ketchup is God's man juice
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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